it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Still dying that you shit outside
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm like, not good at living.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
