Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
