i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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