So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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