It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
