people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
