nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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