remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
