It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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