well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
