I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
