my mouth tastes like poor choices
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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