I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
