shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Quick, to the slutcave!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
