I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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