She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
