I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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