i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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