Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
