so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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