You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Is Oprah even human
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When are your genitals available?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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