what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
