mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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