:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
