i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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