I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
