why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
