I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
