When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
