I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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