she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
