so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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