Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
