What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
