She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
