We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
