atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
