I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
