Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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