Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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