he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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