how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
