mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
