the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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