I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
