At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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