Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
