Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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