possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
