no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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