I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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