There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
