The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
